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10 December 2017 @ 03:26 am
Well then. It has been nearly four years since my last update here. This makes me sad, for several reasons. First, I used to basically live on Livejournal and so did everyone I care about. Second, I once had a paid account, and obviously all of that has now gone to waste. Third, I think that this was a place where I was practicing my writing ability (for better or worse; I still have no stories written anywhere) and gave me some credibility. Life has changed so much since my last update; as for everyone, there has been good and bad. The past few months especially have been a challenge. I am working on that. Hoping I can truly get ALL of my goals on track and really focus again on those things I want/need the most. I know what they are, and never thought I'd reach them. I am infinitely closer than I imagined I would be upon my last update - let alone ten years ago when I still lived on LJ. Life is a never ending struggle, and I am learning that. That, for lack of a better word, SUCKS.
22 December 2013 @ 07:51 pm
I think if anyone wants me to use this thing, I need frequent prompting. Clearly I am not reliable anymore! Sigh. I miss the old days. Being a grown up is le suck....
12 November 2011 @ 09:45 pm
It's been over two years since I've last updated my journal. I can't believe it. Doesn't seem possible so much time has passed - and so many things have occurred. OY vey...
Feeling: indescribableindescribable
21 June 2009 @ 02:56 am
In the past 20 hours I've been home from work, I've been in bed going in and out of consciousness for about 16 hours at least, only getting up to go to the bathroom. I'm exhausted, feeling like garbage, feeling overly weak (my whole body feels extremely heavy, raising my arms is a real chore ;_;), I have weird flashy feelings in my head, and feel shaky. It's not good.

Ugh. :(
17 June 2009 @ 11:06 am
It's fun forgetting this thing. I don't even know if I have anything worth talking about, but I feel the need to update.

What have I done lately?

1. I recently switched to the overnight shift at work. Pays a bit more, and I'm still part time. A part of me is wondering if that's a mistake though. One thing is certain, as of right now I feel almost desperate to get onto the day shift somehow and have a normal schedule, rather than trying to deal with a screwed up sleep schedule - not to mention the day shift is soooo much busier and there's more to do, which I really like. Evenings sucked, and I'm kind of wondering if overnights will end up sucking for me, too.

2. I am losing all sense of time completely. For example, Dave and I recently went to a Monday Night Raw taping and I couldn't even tell you when it was. We also went to the zoo recently, and I still kind of remember when that was, but I am losing all sense of time. Staring at the calendar completely baffles me and leaves me wondering where the hell did the time go.

3. I have a new car! And it's making me broke. The peace of mind though, that comes with with a car that I can depend on, is making it well worth it.

4. Prozac makes me a happy person. I've kind of fallen out of taking it for a bit (and I'm just now getting back to it) and there is a very noticeable difference. Never would've thought that I was someone who would need that sort of prescription, but I guess I do. I can't even stand being around myself at this point.

5. I fixed my Wii games! I downloaded some for the Virtual Console, and sadly they wouldn't work. Total waste of money until yesterday. Now they work, and I am a happy little girl. I love playing old video games from my childhood.

6. I joined Curves, and apparently I'm still a member at the YMCA - I know this because they drew another month's worth of money out of my bank account. Now I gotta get off my ass and GO more frequently and make it more worthwhile - why pay for the gym membership if I'm not going? Maybe I should go to the Y, too, since I'm apparently paying for it. They sometimes offer classes, too, though for a long time none would fit with my evening work schedule, and now that I'm on overnights they don't offer any I care about. Hmmm.

7. I have a birthday coming up! And I don't have any idea what I want. Money is tight these days between the gym, the car (and it's associated costs), and rent increase. People are asking me what I want, and I don't know what I'd want that I can actually use.

8. Although I did go to the bookstore the other day, despite the lack of money (Borders is my crack). Bought several books using a major coupon, saved a ton of money, and now have reading material to get me through for a while. Five new books ("Public Enemies," "Reviving Ophelia," "The Feminine Mystique," "The Body Project," and "Female Chauvinist Pigs and the Rise of the Raunch Culture" - yes I am a nerd) should keep me busy for a long time.

9. I have no idea when I can go to RN school, though I'm thinking of saving and taking a few more courses through BOCES in that field, and maybe increasing my chances of doing other things as well as CNA work. Though, apparently, because I just switched to overnights I'm locked in place as far as position goes at the hospital for a year. They dearly love to screw over the workers in the nursing home, it's amazing.

10. On that last note, I requested the weekend of my mothers' wedding off two months in advance, and I was just told a week ago that there's no way I can have it off, it's MY scheduled weekend, and it's MY responsibility to find someone to cover if I can't make it in. So I'll either have to find someone to switch with on the opposite weekend (which is hard, because the other weekend is REALLY short staffed), or I'll end up calling in. Probably that. If it comes down to me calling in, I can't particularly say I care - I tried requesting it off, and they told me no. I gave them plenty of notice, too. Part timers don't get the same benefits apparently, and don't need the occasional weekend off (full timers get a floating weekend, and therefore are safe if they request one off). Stupid rules.

11. Dave and I went to the zoo recently, and learned that Fridays there are rabbit days - all the carnivores get a bunny to eat. They're already dead when they get to the zoo, but it was still interesting to see that snow leopard going to town on her bunny. Poor bunnies, but I guess the carnivores are happy with them.

12. I'm very happy with Dave still. We have our cranky moments now and again, and I can't deny that I am sick to death of the lack of privacy we have, or the restrictions on what we can do when, but overall I am happy with him. If he can tolerate me and my moods for any length of time, I'd like to spend the rest of my life with him :). We just have to get over those bumps in the road first, I think. Damned mood swings.

13. I'm discovering more and more that I am a slightly more jealous person than I thought I was, which is really not a good thing. It's not overwhelming or really BAD, or anything, but certain things bother me much more than they should. It is frustrating and I hate it. Ugh.

14. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. When aren't I working on that?

15. And now I am bored, so maybe I'll post more later. :)
01 December 2008 @ 12:09 am
I think I have found my niche. It may be too early to tell still, but I'm working at my new job, I'm not failing miserably, and I think I'm actually ENJOYING IT.

Working as a CNA is one of the hardest things I've ever done. No question. And we gotta work like hell to "protect our licenses", as one of my coworkers earlier said, because the littlest thing out of line can get us fired without our CNA license. There's a lot of crap in this field - literally - and we have to clean it up. We have to deal with sick people, cranky people, people with dementia, and just downright MEAN people. We have to deal with their deaths, their sadness, and their happiness and get them through it all. We have to deal with their family members, even when the family is out of line, and follow the familys' wishes, no matter what the resident wants.

Yet, despite cleaning up poop and dealing with mean people, this is easily the most rewarding job I've had. There are some people who I work with that I'd rather not, and I wish I were progressing a bit more at speed with this job (it's not easy getting 10 people to bed in 2 hours when they need to be washed, changed, cleaned, toileted, etc, while running into OTHER issues). Overall I feel like I CAN DO THIS though. I have to - if I want to be a nurse, I need to start somewhere. And one thing I've learned is that the best nurses were once CNAs.

The job is stressful and hard. However, it goes by so quickly. The girls I work with are overall a great crew (and even a couple of guys - though not many). The residents crack me up on a daily basis. There are a few I'd rather not deal with, but overall they're pretty funny. One thing I've noticed is that the rehab patients are more of a hassle than the regular residents. They're less apt to WANT to do things on their own - it's almost like they think it's a little vacation where they needn't do anything themselves. And unfortunately, they usually seem to believe they're the only ones there. They'd rather pee themselves than have us walk them to the bathroom. Lazy. :( And sadly, the heads of my nursing home aim to do a LOT more rehab and less nursing home in the future. They're trying to switch it over as we speak. Very depressing. My favorite residents are all RESIDENTS. Even the ones with dementia (it's fun, sometimes, to talk to them - ever try a conversation with someone with dementia? It's funny! - and no, I know the illness itself SUCKS and is AWFUL and HORRIBLE and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but when you work with it, you really learn to talk to them and giggle about it).

Overall, for the moment, I am HAPPY. No more retail for me! :)
and this one is no different.

Maybe it's early for it, maybe not, but I am absolutely INFURIATED at the idea of Sarah Palin becoming vice-president of this country - or worse, president. The idea that anyone takes her even remotely seriously terrifies me. The fact that there is already so much scandal surrounding her, so much secrecy and privacy, so many inconsistencies, so much unfairness and ignorance surrounding her past, scares the crap out of me.

Just a short glance through her history tells volumes.

Does John McCain think that if he has her as his running mate he'll gain the votes of women? Because so long as there are intelligent women out there who actually do their research, he doesn't have a leg to stand on. If he truly believes this, he must think that we as American citizens are morons who'll vote for the first skirt who has a chance at this position. It's an insult and outrage for all American women who have higher moral standards, who have more hope for women in the future. This knocks us back quite a bit, does it not? 
13 July 2008 @ 11:00 pm
There are so many things I think about regularly. In a way, I wish I could hop in a time machine and go back and relive certain moments. And it's funny, in a lot of ways music can almost be my time machine - I can hear a song, close my eyes and suddenly I'm in another time and place. But I'm not, and it's just not quite good enough.

Sometimes I'd like to relive some of these moments. And other times I'd like to do something differently than I did.

I frequently say how much I hated high school and how miserable I was then. And now, even though I'm a lot happier in a lot of ways, I was much more carefree and wreckless and FREE. I can't help but wish, in some ways, to go back to that...
09 July 2008 @ 12:10 am
For the time being, anyway, I think I know what I'm doing.

I'm going to try and take the CNA course offered by BOCES. It starts in August. Super expensive, but I may be able to get a scholarship for it - I'll find that out next week. If not, there may be loans. And if all else fails I'll start begging various family members for loans.

Then, I'll work as a CNA till next year, take care of some debts, and hopefully get a better, more reliable car.

This fall, I'm going back to CCC and I'm going to take chemistry (the only class holding me back from applying to the RN program). I may take Anatomy and Physiology as well - it's a course that's usually taken while doing the nursing major, but I've heard horror stories about it and think I'd like to start it sooner than that. That way, I won't be worrying about that while doing the nursing intensive courses. As I'm working this fall, I'll begin applying to various nursing programs in the area at CCC, OCC, and MCC. Maybe look into St. Joseph's or Crouse hospital as well. And hopefully, if all goes well, next fall I'll be a full time nursing student.

I'm petrified! The CNA course is a seven week thing, and it's five days a week at full time hours - which means cutting my work availability a LOT which means no income really during that time span. NOT a good thing, as I have sooo many bills to pay - another reason I may ask for financial assistance from family. Then, my courses for the fall are all going to be evening courses (or online), which means that when I'm done with the CNA, I'll need to find 1st shift work - and I'm not sure I'll be hired right on first shift. I believe that's generally something that comes with seniority. Second shift is clearly out. Third is a possibility, I suppose, but that'll be hard to do too. And to be perfectly honest, the pay isn't always great. I doubt it'll be enough to live on, but hopefully it'll be enough to by on till I get into an RN program.

Which will hopefully be next year. Which will further require cutting of availability, and maybe just living off of loans. :P The clinicals are based all over the place and require lots of driving (hence my need for a better vehicle), and trying to work around that may be hard.

Either way, I now think I have my course set for me. It'll be hard as hell, but I feel like at this point it's something I NEED to do. No longer as option. I just need to,
29 June 2008 @ 05:55 pm
So we were hanging out for about an hour or so today, and when he went to leave I nearly burst into tears. I had the tears forming and he had to spend an extra few minutes trying to make me laugh or smile. :-P Either I'm much more attached to him than I think or I'm much more stressed out than I think.